New Normal
by Csara
Summary: Amanda struggles with the aftermath of Patton's trial


Part One: A Difficult Morning

Amanda woke up with a start, disoriented and breathing heavily. The nightmare had felt so real. She had felt the weight of Patton's body draped on top of her, and the tickle of his sour breath in her ear. Amanda sat up abruptly, tossing the blankets off herself and lunging for the lamp on her bedside table. Something heavy clattered to the floor and then shattered. From the foot of the bed, Frannie began to bark as Amanda finally succeeded in turning on the light. Shushing her dog, Amanda rose from bed and surveyed the room to reassure herself that she was indeed alone as she tried to catch her breath. Frannie quieted but stood on the bed with raised hackles, watching her master for clues as to what was happening.

Amanda saw a glass of water that had fallen to the floor and shattered, and she tried to pick up the pieces with shaking hands. She instructed Frannie to stay, so the dog wouldn't get hurt on the shards of glass, and then she turned on every light in her apartment on the way to the kitchen. Returning with a dustpan, Amanda knelt on the floor to clean up the remaining glass. She felt a sharp pain in her knee, realizing that she had accidentally cut herself on one of the shards. Leaning back on her heels, Amanda watched the trickle of blood run down her shin and she began to cry. She wasn't sure how long she stayed that way, but when she came back to herself, Amanda realized her calves were cramping from being in such an uncomfortable position for more than a few minutes.

After cleaning up the remaining glass, she sat next to Frannie on the bed and put her head in her hands. It was 2am and Amanda knew that sleep would not come easily to her after the nightmare. Weighing her options, Amanda went to the kitchen and took a bottle of vodka from the freezer to pour herself a glass. The burn of the alcohol both hurt and soothed her. When she felt numb enough, she returned to her bed but left her bedside lamp on and hoped she would not have to endure another nightmare.

A few hours later, Amanda woke again but this time from a dreamless sleep. Her head hurt, likely due to the alcohol, and she felt a little queasy. The queasiness became outright nausea when she noticed the time, she was already late for work! Panicking, Amanda reached for her phone to text her partner, Fin, to cover for her as she cursed herself. Fin texted back almost immediately that Amanda had nothing to worry about and the morning was shaping up to be slow. Then, as Amanda hastily brushed her teeth, another text popped up but this time from her supervisor, Olivia, telling Amanda not to worry about coming in late. But Amanda was not reassured. She had been carefully on time or early for work every day since her return from the yoga retreat in Costa Rica. She desperately wanted her coworkers to believe she was ok and not ask too many questions. Their initial concern for her had been touching but also stifling. Amanda also felt ashamed about lying to her supervisor about following up with counseling. As far as Amanda knew, Olivia believed that Amanda was in regular therapy now and Amanda did not want the truth about this to come out.

Amanda was torn; she so longed for the support but resented the weakness implied by her acceptance of it. It was a dilemma with no good answer. And Amanda had noticed that as the weeks passed since her return from the yoga retreat, her coworkers offers of support had started to wane as things seemingly returned to normal. Amanda understood, perhaps for the first time, how two seemingly opposite things could be true at the same time: this return to normal was both extremely painful and a profound relief. She tried to push it out of her head as she finished preparing for work.

An hour later, Amanda hurried into the precinct and took her place at her desk. Fin came over quickly to update her on the day, joking that the timing of her entrance had been perfect because a new case had just been called in. A 24 year old woman had just disclosed a rape in the local ER and Olivia had instructed the two of them to begin the investigation. Fin insisted on driving them and it made Amanda a little anxious, knowing she would be responsible for keeping up the conversation in the car. Fin briefly questioned Amanda about her lateness once they were alone together in the car but he accepted her lie easily and didn't push. She felt that same sense of pain and relief but pushed the feelings aside in order to focus on the interview with the victim and the start of the investigation.

Part Two: A Worse Afternoon

Amanda realized she had been wrong to think that this new case would be a welcome distraction from her anxious, lonely thoughts. The victim had not been able to tolerate talking about her assault with Fin in the room, leaving Amanda to interview and then comfort her alone. The rest of the team started to actively track down leads while Amanda remained with the victim. Amanda felt drained after several hours of sitting with the weeping, trembling girl. The doctor had finally offered a sedative, which the girl accepted before dozing for a few hours while she clutched Amanda's hand. The victim's mother was driving from Connecticut to meet her daughter in the ER and Amanda had not felt right leaving her until the mother arrived. Amanda watched the tearful reunion between mother and daughter before returning to the precinct where her team was knee-deep in work. Amanda tried to help as best she could, but she felt exhausted and numb. She excused herself under the guise of getting some coffee, but she noticed Olivia watching her retreat from the squad room with interest.

Amanda knew she had been made when Olivia approached her in the break room a few minutes later. She had sensed the older woman's approach, but she was still touched by the care Olivia took not to startle her when Amanda's back was turned. Amanda anxiously cleared her throat and made eye contact with her superior, but she found nothing but compassion in Olivia's gaze. "I could use some coffee myself", Olivia said in a gentle tone, "and I wanted to tell you that I think you did a great job with the victim today." Amanda was embarrassed to feel herself blush in response to the praise and murmured a quick thanks before exiting the room, feeling both pleased and uncomfortable.

After a few more hours, Olivia declared the day officially over and thanked everyone for their hard work. Amanda was pleased that she had pulled herself together and helped the team make significant headway in the case. Fin and Nick left quickly, but Amanda was tired and slower and found herself alone in the elevator with Olivia, who spoke in the same gentle tone as during their earlier interaction, "Amanda, why don't you let me drive you home? You look exhausted."

Amanda tried to sound more confident than she felt, "thanks for the offer, I really appreciate it, but I'm good."

Olivia let out a quiet hum to let the younger woman know she wasn't buying it.

Amanda started to reply, "Look Liv, I know you want to ask me how I'm doing" but she found herself quickly cut off. "I'm not in the habit of asking questions I already know the answer to, Rollins." Olivia's tone was soft and a little teasing, but Amanda knew she was not going to be able to worm her way out of this one. Amanda felt Olivia's hand on her back as she walked her toward the car, and soon found herself nestled in the passenger seat of Liv's car. The car was comfortable and warm, and Amanda found herself fighting the urge to doze despite her anxiety about facing Liv's questions about her mental health. When Amanda came back to herself, she realized they had pulled up to Olivia's apartment. Olivia declared that Amanda was coming up for some tea, and she stubbornly resisted all of Amanda's attempts to politely decline the offer. Amanda wanted to insist but the truth was she felt tired and worn down. Amanda wanted to resist feeling coddled, but Liv's gentle insistence felt good washing over her and Amanda longed to give in to it.

To Be Continued…


End file.
